1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I wish there were birth control emojis
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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