I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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