I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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