Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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