all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
