Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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