you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
