Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
