she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
