remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
