Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
