I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
