onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
