This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
