After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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