Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
