Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
