She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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