drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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