Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
