Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
