Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
