Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
home. puking in laundry basket.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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