I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
