toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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