the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
