Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
