She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
