his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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