When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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