You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
