My hand turned me down
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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