um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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