I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
