I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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