If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
