I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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