Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
People in love make me want to vomit
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
