the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
