i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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