Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
