Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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