I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He passed out mid-signature
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
