u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
