Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
