we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
