yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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