I think I died a long time ago.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
