there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We named our party play list daddy issues
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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