Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
