I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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