new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
