I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
