Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
