You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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