You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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