My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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