Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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