I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
