I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
