____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize