I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
