nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
